happy halloweennnn! : )

fasting today.. anyone with me?!

you know ive been thinking about halloween, and even since i was like really little, as long as i can remember, i have associated trick or treating with greed, and greed with candy, and candy with fat. my parents always told me not to be greedy, and you were a better person if you werent greedy. so i have made the connection that by not being greedy, i wouldnt be fat. im just trying to be a better person.
in psychology, we learned that humans learn by association. so do you think this could be where the start of my ed is? ive been searching for the beginning forever, and i think this really could be it. im just really not sure.


i may be going to the mall with my friend today. still not sure whats going on tonite : P
have a great halloween!

oh wow. the past few days seem to have been nothing but food.
what i eat is like what i normally do.. but just people talking about about food seemed to bother me like 200 billion times more!
it was like everything someone said i could relate to food/my ed.
if it was as easy to see as this: chemistry. we were doing conversions.. and my teacher put like if one donut weighs .5 lbs, then how many kgs will be in a dozen donuts? well we always get off subject in chem, and my teacher ended up talking about this one time when he went to a concert with his friends when he was younger, and one of his friends said that he could eat a dozen e-clairs in ONE SITTING. then he said how e-clairs were 1 and 1/2 lbs a piece! he went on to say that his friend only got through 7 of them. i did the math and thats 10 and 1/2 lbs of donuts!!! eww. sick. so anyways, then someone in class goes "WE SHOULD TOTALLY BRING IN DONUTS TOMORROW!" my teacher said no, but my heart skipped a beat and i was already thinking of an excuse so i couldnt have one. : / plusss in that same room, i sit in the front row, and there is a scale sitting on the floor right in front of me in case the teacher needed to weigh something for a demo. its hell to sit there and stare at that scale wanting to get on it so bad, but being so ashamed in front of everyone. : (
or if was as hard to see as this: in english today, my teacher was talking about perfection. he said "if you try to be perfect, it will be impossible and you will be awful to be around." i was super offended : / of course i didnt say anything, but still like ughhh. : / he was also talking about self control, and how a character in the book we read has self control or not. its so frustrating to hear these things that nobody else would think twice about, but i spend the rest of the hour thinking about.
in algebra: i have a HUMUNGOUS teacher. and she was talking about another teacher's daughter, and how shes like 8 years old, but already hates school. so the little girl makes herself throwup so she can go to the nurse and leave school. she told us this like 3 weeks ago, and ive been worried about her ever since : /
on the way home from school today: or even if we are just driving anywhere, if my dad sees a big person, he'll make a rude remark about it. it makes me want to kill myself because like what if he thinks the same about me?! he obviously doesnt know how much i weigh, but still, sometimes those people arent even obese. : (


thanks for reading this if you got this far. just had to get it out i guess.

hm. today. well actually.. lets start from yesterday.

i posted in the waiting room that i was having friends over for the night and they`re super skinny.
well turns out everything went alright. no fat jokes either! : ) for dinner my dad had made tacos and i had one.
but i also had watermelon too. : / i don`t know. i thought it was terrible. : (


until today.

its about 3:30 and ive already binged.
i already had a bowl of fruit loops and (im ashamed to say it..) 4 pieces of pizza.
i feel like a complete failure.
and you know whats worse is that im probably going to eat dinner too.
i mean i hope i dont. but im sure i will : ( i just have no self control anymore.
please feel free to say as many things youw ant about those 4 pieces of pizza.
i need some hurtful words sometimes to inspire me to do better. : (

yesss! i lost another pound!
i was at a complete standstill for like 3 days. nothing would come off but now im finally at 129!
even though 129 is still disgusting considering im 5'4.
im just glad im past my first gw.

gw2: 125
thats what im focusing on now. : ) im so happy.



i leave today for the tournament. if you read my other post you'll see why im not too happy about that.
and im still looking for somebody to help and support me!

stay strong and think thin! : )

does anybody have AIM?
because i need a TONTONTON of support these next few days.

like a ton.



ill explain it more if somebody gives me their sn.
but pretty much its because i have an overnite tournament like a bazillion
miles away from home. both my parents are going. and they are gonna be watching my every move.
and i CANTCANTCANT let myself go just bc theyre watching me. i have to stay strong. : /





im taking my laptop with me to the tournament because its an overnighter for 3 nites. so ill be online
all the time and im desperate need of somebody to help me and support me through this whole thing.
anyone interested?

have any of you ever felt that cooking foods or like.. sweets or anything with a high caloric value for somebody to eat other than you makes you feel really good or even like makes you feel better about yourself?


im not really sure if its mean to think that or not.
i feel like im tricking them. : /



but at the same time it makes me feel that much better about myself to watch them eat fatty foods that im not.

well. good news. i went to the doctor and i was 3 lbs lighter than the week before! : )



bad news. i ate today : ( my weaknesses - beef sticks and jellybeans - are in the house. ahh!

im going to the doctor again today.
if i weigh any more than what i weighed last time i swear im gonna be sooo mad!

well i havent had anything to eat or drink today except a jolly rancher. but that doesnt really count.

oh and i found some amazing thinspo today too! ill post it when i figure out how..

love you all! : )
laterr

So. Todays tuesday. I was doing pretty good untul about 3:00. My and my sister went to petworld and i thought it was a good idea becuase cute little puppies and kitties would be sure to take my mind off eating.. or not eating. Well i probably shouldnt even left the house at all bc on the way home i asked my sister to take me to this really yummy chinese place. Its definetely my weakness. The part that bothers me most is that i asked her to : / idk i guess im just really disappointed in myself. But tonite im going mini golfing with my boyfriend! So that should be alot of fun. : )

Fast? not so much. Whatever fast i was supposed to be on today fell through and completely crashed down on me. you know what i need? i need something more than thinspo that will give me some self restraint and a stronger ability to resist temptation. Any ideas? i need major help with this.

well yesterday was definetely a hugeee problem for me. I spent the whole day with my boyfriend which was nice but i ate a ton : ( meaning pizza and a whole dinner of chicken and fruit and veggies and a snack : / so to make up for it im fasting all day today no matter what anybody says. before today i wwighed myself and i had lost 2 lbs but after yesterday im so scared to weight myself again. : / idk what to do to lose this weight as quickly as possible.

I HATE THE DOCTOR.
when she weighed me it said that i weight 3 more lbs than what it says at home?!
should i buy a new scale?! help. im in a huge panic. : /

i got a new picture! marykate is definetely my idol. i loveloveloveee her!
today so far:
about a 1/2 cup of mutigrain cheerios (55)
2 strawberries (?)
2 pieces of toast with butter (200)

so not too bad so far! just over 255. ill probably fast the rest of the day bc that seems like just enough calories.

unrelated to ED. good news and bad news...
bad news: im going to the doctor today. i hate the doctor : (
good news: the doctors giving me birth control.
scary news: idk if a side effect is weight gain or not... so im scared.

we'll see.

so i had a softball tournament last weekend.
and im actually really proud of myself because
i ended up restricting to about 500 calories a
day or even less! : ) i found out my weakness:

the double chocolate chip frappuchino from starbucks.
i cant pass it up for anything.


even though ive been restricting alot, my weight isnt
going anywhere or its even going up a little. i dont know
what to do. helpp. : /

so ive been restricting alot for the past like 4 days and ive began to feel really sick.
not the kind of sick it usually is ya know.
but like pukey, shakey, headache, stomachache, almost flu-like sick. : /
any suggestions so i dont have to eat but can still feel better?
pleaseee?

so im just sitting watching mtv. havent eaten the wholeee day yet. it was about oh.. 1ish. and then my dad comes home with the groceries. : ( everything goes downhill from there. because right after he leaves for work, i make muffins.



and well stupid me thought that if i didnt eat the muffins it would be alright if i just ate a bit of the batter.
i was very wrong. now i dont even know how many calories i ate or anything.
i feel terrible and bloated and my tummy hurts now : (

--help : (

definetely be invisible!

hey girls im new! hope you all are doing well
anyways.. my name is Emily and here are my stats..

hw 136
cw 132
lw 118
gw 100

im actually pretty lost with this whole thing.. so if anyone wants to help.. it would be great! : )

hey girls im new! hope you all are doing well
anyways.. my name is Emily and here are my stats..

hw 136
cw 132
lw 118
gw 100

im actually pretty lost with this whole thing.. so if anyone wants to help.. it would be great! : )